flameinthedarkness

Cater nods in agreement, sighing once to himself. If he sees Idia reach for him and think better of it, he doesn't show it, running his free hand through his hair as if to steady himself for the final time. "KK! Seeya!"

The smile that lights up his face after he says goodbye isn't like the ones that he could hardly keep off during their date. This one feels is practiced, plastic, and doesn't reach his eyes--eyes that seem so much more tired, now, as he spins on his heel and heads through the Heartslabyul portal.

As expected, the dorm is alight with activity. It's closing in on dinner, so the kitchen is bustling, particularly with the students who are trying to get Trey to cook something (who doesn't love the guy's cooking?). Cater ducks in to put the pastry in the fridge--it seems Riddle's studying and Cater isn't about to stick around long enough for Trey to read him--before darting up to his dorm.

Cater lets out a breath of relief once he's inside, hardly getting his shoes off before he flops across his bed, grabbing one of his cutesy pillows and pressing it into his face. Finally, the question he's been suppressing all day hits him full force. His impulsivity and adrenaline can't keep him ahead of it, now.

What the fuck do I think I'm doing?

Edited 2023-03-07 22:37 (UTC)

Ignihyde was busy too. Maybe even more so than other dorms since the students of it rarely left the dorm; milling around at random, some set up with gaming sessions or working on projects together. All stuff Idia passes by on his way to his room, waving off any who try and stop him with a halfhearted 'later' back. He does glance around to try and spy Ortho anywhere, not really wanting to face his brother either just yet as Idia slips into his room.

Shoes off, coat off, and just... face planting into his bed, face going down into his pillow and...

Feeling so lost.

What had this all been? The events of the day finally catching up and racing through his head, pulling each one apart and dissecting it, trying to work out and place it in some sort of order to be able to process it all. But... it's so much. And being in bed... it's really catching up to him, all the exhaustion from those mix of emotions. It's just so, so much.

But... even for all the downs today... they seem lighter thanks to all the highs. Oh, he's super embarrassed by them, how much he freaked out and showed that side off to Cater. But the fact Cater took it so well... Idia feels bad about putting that all on him. A sigh into his pillow and instinctively reaching for his screen overhead to text-

...what is he doing already?! They just parted and he wants to talk to Cater again already?! Ughhhh. Idia's not prepared for this. At all. Has no clue how to process this. Rolling himself over to his back he presses his hands to his face. No... no. Stop drowning, stop struggling, deal with it how he knows to deal with stuff; a plan. And the main problem he needs a plan for right now is... what are they? What did he want out of this and... how much to show it.

It's something Idia will work on, typing up ideas as they come to him, headphones crammed over his ears to drown out the world, even waving Ortho off once he comes back to their room. Who... takes it ok, yet Idia feels bad about it and takes a break for awhile for them to share those gifts he and Cater got for Ortho, mention that... he has some things to work through, and while Ortho offers to help, Idia says he has to work it out... but thanks him.

And for once... Idia actually gets to bed at a reasonable time. Mostly because he's exhausted. No doubt will wake up during the night since he can never sleep too long but... sleeping for now.

A complicated relationship with sleep comes with the territory of having an unwell mind, but most days Cater manages without too much trouble. It helps that he burns his candle at both ends day in and day out, trying to please everyone, trying to maintain an image of a person that doesn't exist.

Maybe it's because today was so genuinely nice that sleep doesn't come. Stress upon stress is piling in unstable stacks like a game tower made out of wooden blocks in a way that only happens on particularly bad days...but it's still different from what he's used to in that regard. Cater can't stop himself from thinking of all the times Idia made him laugh. He can't get the image of out of his head of the taller boy startled, breathless, glowing hair tinted pink as he presses their bodies together. He can still feel the gentle brush of those thin blue lips, the way those long fingers felt between his own.

Agitated, he tosses and turns. A shower doesn't calm his nerves and he can't stomach eating anything else for the rest of the night. Cater shifts between pacing and trying to shut out his thoughts. He spends a lot of time feeling lost on his phone, but keeps drifting back to the pictures they took, and they make him smile--and that makes him want to throw up. He messed up, didn't he? He really broke his own rules with this one.

How can feeling so happy make him feel so terrible? Why is it always like this?

It feels like years have passed by the time it hits 2am and he knows that he's not going to be sleeping at all that night. He wonders if Idia's still awake--he wonders if he's having a panic attack, too. Knowing that it's stupid but finally reaching the brink of his self-control, Cater opens his DM with Idia.

can't stop thinking abt u
feel free 2 laugh

Idia's... actually asleep for once at 2am. He normally never is. Not that his body would let him sleep much longer, he's already falling into a 'dozing' pattern than full sleep as that text comes through, peeking an eye open and moving his screen to see it and...

Oh.

Rubbing at his eyes to fully wake himself up, Idia squints against the light from the screen as he reads it, then rereads it as his brain wakes up and...

i almsot text u as soon as i got back to my room. so u win? I guess? lasted longe rthan i did.

Yup, typos and all, Idia yawning as he sent that and stretching in his bed. Rereading it yet again and... taking in what Cater said, and feeling... gods he hates to be a stereotype with the whole 'butterflies in stomach' but... it really feels like that? Who would had thought. He would assume it was just some stupid trope but... wow... yeah.

Before adding,

glad u did tho. text me.

It's a palpable relief when Idia's response comes in. The typos do make him wonder if he did catch him at a bad time (sleeping), but his shaken psyche decides to cling to what he said at the end: that he was glad to hear from him. That he'd wanted to text, too.

didn't want 2 seem desperate or clingy or smth
just kind of miss ur voice
is that ok?

i mean if today is u clingy then it not bad

And sent... before Idia realizes what he sent and...

fuck

Then,

wahtever

A sigh as he lies back in bed, rubbing at his head as he looks at the screen, considering what Cater said.

gonna offer to VC but guess u really cant there at this hour huh?

yea
even on a weekend would def get my head chopped off for it

Thus is the life of a card soldier. Yeah, Riddle's been doing a lot better ever since he had his overblot, but that doesn't mean he's going to tolerate flagrant rule violations.

u ever use ur security camera privs to sneak out?

pfft who am i trying to avoid? myself? n the old dorm leader didn't care either. i go to Sam's sometime when i know hes there, to pick up newly released stuff

...this is a stupid idea. A stupid idea... but,

u wanna meet up? somewhere?

Ugh, he's being so stupid! This is just going to make things worse. But, like, even if he did need to step back...it's not like he could do that over text. That would be so shitty. So much easier to ghost people when they aren't, like, actively in the same class as you.

So, whatever he decides to do when he gets there, Cater says exactly what he's feeling.

I really do, yea
same place as b4? don't have much brainpower 4 planning but campus is obvs deserted rn

gimme a moment to check, k?

Also to clean himself up. Since Idia had just fallen into bed once he got back. Ugh! Up! Change, brush teeth, all that while he taps away on a screen, checking paths for them both, where everyone is, if anyone. Really only ghosts around at this time.

Eventually,

it look all good. u want me to grab snacks or... no stomach for it?

Idia texting away as he finally takes the time to move his gem back to his computer, throwing the pen somewhere into a drawer, rarely needing it as he gets his skull back into working order.

When Idia gives him the all clear, Cater can't bring himself to outright admit how queasy he feels. The fact that Idia even asks...well, he must get it. You don't just stay up like this against your will and feel physically fine.

only snacc i'm after is u lol

It's stupid, but the joke helps center him as he changes quickly out of his pajamas and shoves his feet into his shoes.

meet u @ mirrors?

omg

The thing is... it makes Cater sound like he's doing better than he is, Idia starting to question just what is going on right now but... with what Cater said today, with how Idia handles his own issues... is he falling into CayCay to deal with this? And if so...

Actually it's fine. It feels... less annoying now Idia knows it's an act. Like he can tolerate it more if it gets shoved in his face.

Which is so weird.

ya k

With that Idia moves out of his room... after leaving a note for Ortho to not worry if he detects him gone from the room, even in Sleep mode. Plus he has his computer with him, so Ortho can contact him as needed. Back in his comfort zone hidden in his normal hoodie, Idia shoves his hands into the pockets of it, a glance as he notices a few still up around the dorm, late night projects or just making the most of the weekend. But they're also used to him being up this late, including going on snack runs, so it's not strange to see Idia leaving the dorm at this hour.

And arriving in the Hall of Mirrors, waiting for Cater...

It takes Cater just a bit longer to get there--he doesn't bother setting up a split card since expects to be back before too long, but he knows characters like Ace sometimes try their luck for a late night snack (and often need to pull all night cram sessions due to their grades) so he won't risk waltzing out the front door.

No, Cater opens his window quietly and makes use of the winding latticework to climb out into the back gardens and make his way around to the front path. Feeling tired, it winds him a bit more than it normally would but adrenaline still keeps him going. He can feel his hands shaking, so he keeps them tucked under his arms, hugging himself and his coat around him as he reaches the portal and steps out into the hub.

"Hey--sorry to keep you. It's a little tricky sneaking out of Heartslabyul."

Idia doesn't mind waiting. Just keeps an eye on security while he does. Again, he has the excuse he's getting a snack, could pop back into the mirror then back out again if he needed to make a show of 'leaving'. But everything stays clear, his eyes raising as Cater appears and...

"You look horrible." WTF? Like, seriously, wtf? Idia moving away from standing near Ignihyde's mirror to cross the space to Cater. A hand instantly goes up, pauses as Idia realizes he's doing that... then continues, coming to rest lightly on Cater's elbow.

"Wasn't that bad a date, was it?" Not sure what else to say, taking a jab at humor... but realizing after it's out it may not land well. Instead, "Come on." And if Cater allows it, sneaking his hand under Cater's arm, to hold it, giving him a little tug to come along with Idia.

"It isn't you, it's me," Cater replies, trying to land it as a joke but the sentiment is too close to the truth for it to really do anything other than fall flat. He groans, rubbing his face, but before he can think too hard about what to do and where to go from here, Idia's hand has a hold of his arm.

He follows with one hand splayed across his face, a total role reversal from just earlier that day. Now, Idia is the nighttime navigator and Cater the mess who can't get his act together. Quiet for awhile as they walk, he instinctively huddles a bit closer, heart racing. "Sorry," he murmurs. "I'm not really firing on all cylinders right now."

"Hmmm, that's fine." Idia mulls out, not making any comment towards... this. He's never seen Cater like this. That's not a surprise with how Cater likes to show himself, but still, it feels like he's invading something really private. And that Cater was sharing it with him. Idia giving his arm a squeeze as they walk.

And also pulling his hood up to try and cover his hair, a pause as if to reassure Cater, "Don't want another case of 'the mad scientist' rumor going around about me... something like 'he's stealing someone to take to his lab' or some bs like that." Ughhh, that rumor was such a pain. But saying it anyway, a little distraction for Cater to cling onto if he wants to.

At least the mention of the rumor does seem to distract him briefly. He gives a slight laugh. "That's you, huh? I should've known."

Only Idia had the sort of look about him that could really make that kind impression by getting caught roaming around campus in the dead of night. Sadly, it's a brief reprieve from his spiral of thought. Cater grows quiet again, trying to focus on his breathing, keep from choking.

It's strange. Idia's presence both comforts him and makes him more acutely aware of how fucked up he is. Stupid. Pathetic. Look at you. If he wasn't already going to regret everything he is now.

Maybe the thoughts are irrational, especially after having to calm Idia down, himself, but he can't stop the barbs from digging into his brain. Cater bites down on the inside of his lower lip when he feels his eyes water. Stop it.

"I mean it," he says then with a warble to his voice, "this isn't because the date was bad."

"I thought Grim was a cat!" Idia whines. "I just wanted to pet him! Then realize, well, it was him... then he fainted... donno why." Sigh, they need more cats on campus.

Idia glances Cater's way as he quiets down again, not pushing on it, but when he speaks about that date... Idia pulls his hand back.

But it's only to unzip then shrug his hoodie off, dropping it over Cater's shoulders and the hood over his head. Giving him something to hide in. Before replacing his hand back under Cater's arm. When Idia's like this, yeah, he likes having a hoodie to hide in, so... Cater would too? To feel more hidden? Surrounded? Able to block out the world? Or... maybe Idia's overstepping and it's a horrible idea... but... whatever, done now.

"I know. You said so already." He answers back softly. Then adding, "Guessing it's more the 'what next' stuff, huh?" Because Idia had it as well, but... he coped with it another way. Took a step back, analyzed it, turned it over as a problem, then tried to put the best solution he had towards it.

Now this, this is a much bigger distraction. Cater doesn't notice Idia taking off his hoodie, only processing the change when he moves his hand away and then the fabric comes swaddling down around him. He startles slightly, but then relaxes, hesitating. A part of him wants to ask if Idia's sure, but...he wouldn't have done it if he wasn't, right? Feeling warmth spread through his body, Cater zips the hoodie up, adjusting his arms through the sleeves and hiding his face inside of that massive hood before pressing himself closer to where Idia holds him by the arm.

"I thought this was a user-locked cosmetic," he remarks, before more softly adding, "it feels safe. It's warm."

Even more quietly, a small "thank you" is whispered. Cater takes a breath. The incoming tears pull back again and he feels momentarily more steady. He can see why Idia does this--it helps, feeling hidden. Maybe now he can put himself more into words.

"Do you ever feel like...like you're just...drowning?"

Idia waits as Cater sorts himself out before his hand going back into place on Cater's arm, but holding him closer, his grip firmer on his arm. A soft 'pfft' at that, "Special event item. Limited time offer. May come back around again." Then, even softer, "Good..."

Oh... Idia quiet, hesitant to answer, if he should at all... but eventually, "I feel like I'm not allowed to. That I just gotta get past it and keep going." There's no room, no time for that in his life. No time for break downs. Just get over them, carry on, always work to do. What emotions he has have to get out of the way fast. Explosive and immediate. So even if he is drowning... he still has to keep going. "More just... walking along the bottom of the ocean once I hit it."

Having someone be able to take his thoughts and lay them out like that is...well, it's surprisingly relaxing. Cater nods slowly from inside the hood. He can see the faint glow from Idia's hair even from within it, another sort of comfort. "Like you're the only thing keeping everything from falling apart? So you just hold your breath and keep going no matter how impossible it feels?"

Without really processing it, his arm shifts in Idia's, hand searching for the other boy's. The sleeves are a bit long on him, only the tips of his fingers poking out.

Considering those sleeves were long on Idia, Cater really was swamped in them, Idia slipping his fingers up under that sleeve edge so he could fully hold Cater's hand. Those concerns and plans for their 'what the hell are we?' talk just... vanishing right now. All unimportant.

Idia lets out a sigh, his other hand running through his hair, not realizing he was standing a little straighter as he spoke, shoulders less curved in, unaware his mask was slipping as he spoke. He... always wanted to be able to talk about stuff like this but... couldn't. Still can't really, not fully, but... a little. "Yeah. Yeah. My first memories were of learning how to do the family business. How to deal with everything. Even coming here I still had to work on stuff for it. It just..." He stopping and frowning to himself, swallowing a lump that was forming in his throat. Knowing he shouldn't speak about this. "It just... is. Whether I like it or not." Dwelling in those feelings for a moment... before brushing them off again. "But doesn't matter 'cause I gotta do it."

They get to the bottom of the tower as Idia starts to explain a bit more about himself--his importance to the family business. Cater reaches out to open the door with his free hand, quiet as he listens and they walk up the stairs. He understands part of it. His father's job set the whole course of Cater's life, built the basis of his insecurities before his sisters cemented the cracks between the bricks he put around himself.

But he isn't beholden to his father's job. Doesn't have anything to inherit or be responsible for. Just a big fat void of avoidance laid out in front of him. It doesn't feel right saying he relates, to put their lives on an equal level when what Idia's going through is undoubtedly more of a struggle than his own. I dug my own hole, he has to admit. I can't blame anyone but myself if I get buried in it.

"I haven't forgotten what you said," he confesses. "About only having a year left before you take it over. You meant graduation, didn't you?"

Edited 2023-03-08 02:54 (UTC)

Idia actually stops in his place on the stairs, maybe even jolting Cater to a stop with that question. And Cater will get to see that coping mechanism of his at work; that emotion of reality hitting him, brows curving up more, eyes narrowing... before Idia closes them, a deep breath in... out, and when he opens his eyes again it's like a shield is put in front of his face, all emotions vanishing from his expression. Drowning but still moving forward.

And Idia does, moving again up those stairs as he answers, "I mean, fourth year is internships and... no point in me going anywhere else but home. I'll just end up there anyways so why bother doing anything else?" There was no point. He may as well just get on with work, devote all his time to it rather than... wasting it doing something that wouldn't matter anyway.

As Idia stops, Cater watches him with an unchanging sort of melancholy. He looks different like this--put together, standing tall, but not with a trace of passion for life. At least the shy Idia got excited about his hobbies. It's like seeing himself, seeing Cay-Cay, but if Cay-Cay was the uber-mysterious type.

It's not cringe, but it's hard to watch in a different kind of way. It's painful.

So he waits until they get to the top of the tower, back to the spot where this whole dating mess began, before he says anything else.

"This whole NRC thing is just a temporary distraction...and I guess I forgot just how close it is to ending."

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