flameinthedarkness

Cater's nerves are fried. He tries to cope with it by hiding but he can't. He throws his blankets off and starts pacing around the room, anxiety having a stranglehold on him. Idia's silent and it feels so ominous, like there's a knife poised and waiting to rip him out of his skin. He wants to rapid fire IM Idia asking him what the fuck he's doing so badly that it feels like his fingers are cramping from the force of keeping them still.

And then his text notification goes off. Cater almost doesn't look at it, being that it could've been anyone...but automatically reaches for it anyway. What he sees does nothing to assuage the assault of anxiety, but somehow...

...Somehow, it's kind of a relief.

The only way he could feel more exposed is if Idia was right there in front of him. Tomorrow he'll see him in class and he'll have to figure out what he's going to do. Right now, he's glad that he has the privacy to go throw up without having a witness.

Once that's taken care of, he finally adds Idia to his contact list.

You didn't make a mistake, I was just scared.

He figures he might as well just be honest, now. No point left in being otherwise.

Ah... Idia will give him a real phone number later, when he asks him about it, not a burner number. Until then,

No shit. Someone listening to your music and it's some weirdo otaku? I would be too.

If someone found his online stuff... Idia would never live it down.

Still,

You good?

Concern now towards Cinder, no Cater, or both really. Thing is... this should be terrifying, to actually have irl contact with a OL person, the idea of it has certainly freaked Idia out in the past. But maybe because... he already knew Cater before this? He's really not sure, in a way it's not registered yet to him. He feels very... calm considering it all.

But that may be because he's having a bit of fun teasing Cater over this. Come on Cater, he knows those outside of Ignihyde don't have a clue what he can do, and even those within have no clue what he can really do...

This is so beyond absurd. Of course that wasn't how he felt, why he was so petrified of all of this happening, but how can he possibly explain himself? Would Idia even care, at this point? The urge to just say he's fine is hard to resist...but Cater gives hollow laugh to himself as he tucks his knees to his chest from his spot on the bathroom floor.

No, not really, but I'll get there.

Eventually, he hopes. Kind of depends on how this conversation goes down, if he's being honest.

I was afraid you'd get the wrong idea. I don't see you that way. I don't think you're weird and I don't care what your interests are. I have fun playing games with you and I like chatting with you and I chase you down when I see you in class because I want to hang out with you. I ran away because I didn't want all of it to end so soon. I was sure that if you figured out who I was you'd think I'd been manipulating you and you'd resent me.

There. He just said it all at once. Took a bit of typing but it felt like if he didn't just word dump most of his thoughts in a single message he wouldn't be able to get it all out.

Hnnggg, this was... a lot. Like, spill your guts a lot, Idia leaning back in his chair as he reads this, a hand up behind his head and just... knowing it's Cater, registering in his head it's Cater, versus the Cater that is around school.

...this guy is so fucked up. Then again, so is Idia, a soft sigh out of him. He never would had guessed with Cater, but... Idia also never cared. With Cinder, well, even then he was just a vtuber who was fun to chat with, but smooshing them together and... it... really was feeling like a full person Idia had been talking to. And one clearly with a major mask to hide behind. One Idia would had assumed was Cinder but seeing this... he's starting to wonder if it's really Cater who is the mask.

Which he gets. He so gets. It's not like Idia's nerves are an act, he really does struggle with being around anyone, had no clue how to interact with those his own age, had no interest in getting to know them. But it also worked well to keep people away. To be the weird outsider that didn't want to interact with others, don't bother inviting him, there's no point, he just rants on about stuff no one gets, don't listen to him. It helped make the disconnect, so even if it's not fake for Idia, he certainly allows it out a lot more than he would back home or by himself.

Another scratch at his head before he starts typing,

I am weird. That's fine.
I'm also not angry or upset. And if you were trying to manipulate me you were doing a crap job at it and risking your channel by doing so, so either you weren't or you were doing it a really stupid way.

And not just cause of Idia's ability to hack, but because it was stupid to ruin such a channel for some pettiness.

So chill before you have an aneurysm or something.
I donno what I'm feeling, but it's not upset, k?

Sorry. Gonna take a minute.

He just needs to calm himself down. Ungluing himself from his phone, Cater splashes cold water on his face, focuses on breathing. The whole thing is uncomfortable but Idia's not cursing him or threatening to blackmail him or anything. He said he isn't angry. Slow down.

When Cater comes back, he's back in bed again, feeling somewhat less unstable. Probably about as put together as he's gonna be, which is never the best when he's not putting on a character.

Okay, done spiraling, I think. Still there?

Idia sits there waiting, maybe fidgeting with one of his fidget toys or spinning a pen. Waiting. Waiting. He did tell him to calm down, so yeah...

But what if Cinder, Cater, is like 'nope, outta here' and just... stops this all? All because Idia had enough and wanted an answer. And that... that... let a weight settle on Idia's chest he wasn't expecting, frowning at the feeling and having no clue how to even start figuring out why he felt that. He keeps telling himself it doesn't matter. This is what he wanted, what he expects; no connections. But... he had been having fun with Cinder. And Cater was a pain normally, but when he chilled out... he was fine. With the board game they played between the two clubs, joking over stuff at the vending machine, chilling in the library. It... wasn't that bad. When he's not all 'Cay-Cay!' he's... tolerable.

He actually jolts forward in his chair a bit when an answer finally comes through, fingers ready to type then... not quite sure what to answer with. Hmmm... well, the big question is;

Yea. So... what now?

That really is the question. Cater sighs in relief as he flops back onto his pillow, considering. They're both still here, both trying to figure things out. Nothing's broken, nothing's dangerous.

I don't really know.

Things are probably going to be weird for a bit no matter what they do, but...well, there's really only one thing he can ask right now, right?

Do you want to hang out again?

Yeah, yeah, it's going to be, isn't it? Idia already dreading meeting up with Cater IRL after this. So... maybe instead,

Can we start OL first? IRL might be too cringe right away.

Oh, also,

Don't stress if I'm not in class again. I was only doing that to try and work out wtf was going on.

That's fine. I had a feeling tbh. It was so weird that you were in class two days in a row lol

Communicating directly in the first place might have mitigated a lot of stress on both their parts but they wouldn't be who they are if they were good at confronting their problems head-on.

I'll still keep up my streaming schedule but maybe we can game together?

www yeah don't want Trein to get the idea I'll actually show up normally

Idia letting out a 'pfft' irl at that. Yeah... ok, he wasn't subtle in that sense, but what else was he supposed to do? Whatever. Hm, guess he'll have to come clean about that all at some point... later though.

Nice! Tho I'm srs about the VPN. I'll get you set up with a good one. Just in case. Tracking it was easy enough for others in Ignihyde to do too if they get sus.

Do you think they'd really do that???

Mostly, like...why? Guess there's no denying that anything's possible at this point.

I'd appreciate your help...barely started streaming before you found me so I'm still learning all this. Most of my rig is the way it is b/c of your advice as it is RIP

It's suddenly so much easier to type. Idia's tone shifted to something more relaxed as soon as they established hanging out more in an online sphere and it's doing wonders for his own nerves, too.

Please continue looking out for me senpaaaiiii ;;;;

The reply is almost instant,

omfg stfu!

How dare you, Cater! Though Idia is laughing to himself over it, so caught out by it. WTF. It winding down into a chuckle.

Eh I kinda looked into it myself once. Then freaked out. Was thinking the vtuber side too but... ehh

Whether or not they've officially stated it for what it is, signing up for friendship means that Cater's going to aim to get lots of laughs out of Idia, mask or not.

If you want you can guest star on my stream sometime so you can see what it's like without committing. I'll make you sing tho ;P jk jk we could do party games or smth

Fuck no. Im happy to stay just as text on a screen. Even with voice altering technology, the idea of talking to so many people is too much.

Lets face it, the whole point of streaming was talking, and if you're not good at it then it was a waste of time.

Im happy just to consume rather than create for that kinda thing.

You're not so bad at talking when you get excited about something tho

In either case, though, Cater's not here to pressure him--it was just an idea. He's happy to keep the kind of relationship they have as streamer and supporter as far as that goes. There's still kind of a bit of strangeness, just knowing that who he is online is going to be bleeding out more as he interact with Idia. Will he be able to keep distinguishing Cinder from Cater?

Well, that's just something to tackle as it becomes relevant.

I'll be demanding more song requests from you anyway, off stream and on stream.

On his side of the screen... Idia lets out a bit of a sigh. Yeah he... leans into that, doesn't he. And he does get excited over things, it's nice to just... not contain it and let it out, but Idia never expects others to listen to him. Well, maybe dorm students if he's trying to lead them through something to do with a project, but not with his distractions and media interests.

Eh I'd rather keep that just to me, not online. Unless some noob is arguing and got stuff wrong, then they need to be put in their place.

Don't single me out too much!

A praying emoji to go with it.

Bad enough I got the top donator badge!

soooo what you're saying is I shouldn't start referring to you as my bestie in front of all the stream regs???

He gets it though, really. Despite his extroversion, he doesn't try to be the center of attention as much as he tries to be the perfect balance of character to the point of being inoffensive. It's one thing when he's calling out other people, but another to be the one called out.

no worries tho fr, I won't act like anything's different.
The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. Or more uncomfortable than I already do ig

>/

He's never coming into your streams again...

Idia holds a breath then lets it out in an 'ehhh' as he tries to turn over this all in his head. Look, he gets Cater doesn't do this all to be mean. Well, no more than anyone else at NRC. In the way NRC runs, Cater isn't a threat to Idia, it's not like they're same dorm so Cater would have no reason to challenge him. He would get nothing out of beating Idia, if he could. He's just...

Youre just full on, k? Like super full on. I can't deal with it. It's worse when you're being back by like Kalim. I don't care bout interacting with others

And yet... here he is, chatting away at night to Cater.

...

it's better when you're more chilled... like today.

At first, Cater winces...but it's nice to have Idia be straightforward about the way he feels. He can't promise that he won't still act like that in public, but at least now that Idia's seen shades of the "real" him, Cater can be more honest, himself.

Yea ik...it's rly draining to be on like that all the time.

Most days he wakes up and has to brace himself, practicing his smile in the mirror until he believes in it. Other times, he doesn't want to get out of bed at all. The idea of being the image people have of him is so exhausting it's miserable.

I won't be like that around you anymore when you come to class or when I see you around campus, k?

...

I get it, ok? If you suddenly not 'cay cay!' Kalim will like throw a fit and go on and on if somethings wrong or whatever. Or Riddle, or someone else. It's cool. I get it.

Then some hesitation before he types, not wanting to but... ehhh...

I mean... you got to see me OL vs IRL now so...

And Idia is much more cheerful online...

It's not really why. Well, it's not not why, but of course there's a much deeper reason behind that Cay-Cay persona. Cater's already dumped more than enough on him for one day, though, and it's not like Idia asked for him to go into the specifics of his intense behavior shifts so...he'll leave it at that. Just like Idia said: he gets it.

Good enough. They're even.

Easier to be open with ppl that you'll never really know. Doesn't matter so much what you say.

Cater pauses as well before somewhat hesitantly adding:

I like how you are both ways tbh. Still both feel like you.

Unlike Cater, who deliberately tries to be a different person than who he actually is, Idia and Gloomurai both feel more like the same person in and out of their comfort zone.

Yeah, this like... so much. So, so much. A good thing Idia doesn't sleep until he's ready to physically collapse and too tired to think otherwise he would be up too late thinking about this all. And freaking out. Then calming down and rationalizing it. Then freaking out again. Remembering everything he said that he never would otherwise.

It'll happen, just later.

No consequences, huh? and if there are, you can just leave.

Which... they don't have now, do they? Hmm... Idia's not sure how he feels about that...

Oh Cater, you have no clue, you really don't. But... Idia has no intentions on ever telling him that, even after this all. Especially after this all. For... however long this will last. Hell, if it's over by the end of the year then... well... so be it. They will have to see.

...anyway.

Guess the whole curfew thing makes sense now.

Yeah, Cater's happy to take that out. Things were teetering too close to more emotional revelations that he'd rather not reveal (or pry into for that matter).

Yeaaahhhh. Early to bed early to rise.
TBH it wasn't as bad before Riddle enrolled and took over. Heartslabyul was still all rule-oriented but you could get away with soooo much more.
I still sneak out sometimes; it's way easier to get away with. But if I started making a bunch of noise in my room after a certain hour??? Yeah, I wouldn't hear the end of it. LOL Headwarden busting into my stream to chew me out, that would've been a way for you to figure out who I was.

Yeah, ive seen your rule book before. It's a lot.
Sucks to be you.

Pfftt, yeah, would had freaked if heard Riddle on it.
You really should soundproof your room, but donno how you would do it without others noticing.

Ok, yes, this, Idia can work easier with this; problem solving.

Problem solving doesn't need emotions, it's just finding the issue, figuring out a path to a result, and doing the actions to get to it.

that or you need to go full rule lawyer on Riddle and find all the loopholes in them and use those to your advantage

Thought about it but doesn't seem worth the trouble.

Okay, mostly? He can't afford it. Soundproofing doesn't look all that expensive until you try and buy enough of it to coat your entire dorm room. He could probably use magic to conceal it but with Riddle in charge, he'd definitely notice. Besides, it's not like anyone minds him singing as long as it's before curfew. They all know that he's in the music club, after all, and it's not like there aren't others in the dorm that play video games in their spare time.

It feels weird saying that money's holding him back, though. Like, he doesn't want Idia to think that he's trying to hint at something. Even before he knew Gloomurai's true identity, he respected him way more than as a top donor.

What, trying to get me to stay up all night streaming? ;)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject