flameinthedarkness

"Of course they do." There's not judgement to Idia's tone with that, just stating like it's a fact, "Even if it's beyond self preservation. It's not surprising at all. Especially in this school." Almost as if he's reading from a book rather than voicing his own thoughts, moving to spin his pen around in his hand as he talks, his other hand propping up his chin in it, more staring off into space than at Cater.

"Hm? Sure. Not like it's mine." Then a sigh, yeah, he should keep working too, dropping his pen long enough to grab one of the other books he was using and flipping a few pages to find what he was looking for.

"Thanks, fam!"

Reaching over to grab the book, Cater goes quiet. It's easy to forget where he is or who he's with when he pours himself into his studies. Cater's never been top of his class, but especially since Riddle came into power he's been diligent enough to keep out of trouble. Slacking off isn't worth the frustrating consequences. He's in an odd mood now, though, his thoughts directing toward thoughts of pointlessness.

When he's finished with the segment he's working on, he puts the book back where it was. Cater's gaze wanders over to Idia again as his pen taps idly on his notebook. Not for the first time, but maybe with the most clarity, he asks himself: what are we doing here?

Idia Shroud and Cater Diamond, studying quietly together in the library. It defies all reason. There's no cat and mouse antics, no jumping around trying to get the best photo...

Before he realizes it, he's totally staring.

In a way Idia's surprised Cater doesn't keep talking but... huh, guess he really is here to study instead. That's fine, that's good, since Idia was too. He's not sure he can manage a full conversation afterwards, but he's sure he's got enough voice pattern to start with, even if he's missing a few keywords he would like to have if they were talking about music.

And maybe Idia would be questioning this all more, yet once he gets his head into study, or studies, he's fully into it, even slipping his headphones up at one point to let music drown out everything else and help him concentrate. Book after book, typing one document and into another, a few quick sketches to get down ideas or just taking pictures of the book contents themselves with his computer. It would be so much easier if the library had digital copies of all the books... but Idia can tolerate having to go through page after page.

He's so engrossed in his work that it's not until he's moving a book up onto the pile he's made and happens to glance up to see... well, Cater staring back at him, his lip pulled up and eyes a little wide. "What? What? What is it?" Slipping his headphones down so he could hear, whatever music he was listening to bleeding out to tell it's something a little heavier, no doubt some sort of anime open song by the sounds of it.

Cater snaps out of it when Idia's eyes meet his own. "Huh?" He stammers in surprise, blinking a few times. Oh, Seven, completely caught staring--so totally cringe!

"Oh--er--" thinking fast, Cater grabs his phone. "Totes lost track of time! I should get going, Riddle's really strict about us getting back inside." Maybe thinking too fast for his own good, he doesn't think about yet another similarity he's pointed out between himself and Cinder: that very specific window in which he's generally able to stream.

Laughing sharply, he pulls together his things and darts up out of his chair. "Sorry! This has been great, though. We should do it again, yeah? It's nice studying with company."

...aren't those his normal lines? Well, not with those specific details, but the same feel behind them, that panic to rush off with whatever excuse he could throw out.

Is... is Cater seriously running away, again? SRSLY?

WTF is even happening? It's like Idia's world has totally been turned upside down. And maybe, for a moment, there's that voice in the back of his head. That Cater was just being nice, or curious, and didn't want to be around him. It would make sense, right? Cater's always trying to drag Idia off to do something, and now it finally happened and... that was it. He got what he wanted, didn't like it, return to store.

Those thoughts lingering in his head, Idia just lets out a bit of a muffled, "Ah, yeah, sure... whatever." A wave of his finger to turn off the recording on this all, not quite sure what he's feeling or how to process it, but that extra slump to his shoulders and drop of his head, that slouch of his kicking in more. This had all been a stupid idea...

It's impossible for him to totally miss the way that Idia deflates as he hesitates before turning and leaving the library. What was he supposed to do? Sit back down? He'd already said he had to go and...ugh. As he stomps his way back to Heartslabyul he feels a mixture of guilt and frustration. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

Being able to fully remove his mask once he's alone in his room is only a slight relief. Hair down, pajamas on, leaking self-loathing, Cater falls into bed and logs into the messenger he uses to talk to Gloomurai.

Cinder is now online.

He stares at the username that belongs to Idia Shroud, knowing that he shouldn't message him, wanting to, wondering what the hell he's even doing and how things got so complicated so fast. If this was anyone else on campus, would he still be so shady about his online identity?

Even if he wasn't finished with his studies, Idia really didn't feel like sticking around, not after that. He shouldn't be that surprised by this all, but... well, ouch, still, a bit? Maybe because he's never made connections in the first place that Idia's not used to them just... leaving. Eh! What is he saying?! It's Cater! And this is like the first time they hung out, and it wasn't really a thing! They were just using the same table! Forget it, he needs to get out, putting all those books back and clearing up his space before heading back to his room at the dorm.

Shrugging off his hoodie and kicking off his shoes Idia flops face down on his bed, lying there for awhile and just letting his head go blank. Or trying to at least. It giving him maybe a minute at the most before it starts up again, trying to figure out what had just happened. He really doesn't know how to explain it. It's got to be him, right? Cater is normally so bubbly and energetic, but the instant he actually spends time with Idia and... he wants to bolt away. Twice now. Yeah, it has to be him, he's the common factor in this all.

And in a way... that means Idia doesn't want Cinder to be Cater. If he was, and after all that, then... they would have to stop, right? Eh, who is he kidding? He could drop offline from Cinder's streams and it would be fine. Sure, Idia put in a bit of madol to Cinder, but he would pick it up elsewhere. And their chats... people vanished from IM and PMs all the time. No one would bat an eye at Gloomurai vanishing. Hmm, maybe Crimson Muscle, but nah, even then. Despite being Idia's closest online friend, even then Idia's put barriers up between them, kept stuff separate in game, been tempted to talk more, but stopped himself. Even online connections would have to stop one day, and it was easier to do that than having a real face to face connection.

Letting out a long, aggravated sigh into his pillow, Idia lies there for a moment longer, before pulling his screen from above his head in front of him, tapping away. Oh. Huh. Cinder. He's hesitant to say anything with what happened, but... he doesn't know for sure now, right? What... what if he goes fishing, in a sense. Hey, if it's not Cater and just Cinder, maybe he would get some insight to this all. Or make a fool of himself, log off, and never back on again. Arrghhh! Why is his life so complicated?!

Still... maybe it might make him feel better? After all, he's just here playing pretend, and this was still pretend. A fun dream while it lasted. So...

yo

Sitting there staring at their last chat log, Cater's trying to come to terms with his bizarre feelings over this strange sort of double-life he's leading when Gloomurai--Idia--messages first. He's so startled he nearly throws his phone. WTF! This is it, isn't it? He's totally going to call him out!

Okay, stop, rewind. He didn't know that for sure.

hey gloom
how've u been?

Just...take it easy and see what happens.

A thumbs down emote gets sent back, then a few moments of typing, though Idia's pretty speedy at it.

blegh. Stuff don't make sense right now.

I think I made someone angry. Didn't mean to.

...why was it so easy to type this out when it shouldn't be? Hell, it shouldn't be to Cinder either! They didn't have this kind of relationship. They kept it real casual. But... was... was it almost easier since it may be Cater? Well, not, not normal Cater, the one who always got in his face. But the one today that just... sat there quietly, and chatted a bit, and talked about interests. Interests Idia had no clue he had. Didn't care to know. But... hmmm.

And if this is Cater... is this being mean? To try and catch him out? Then again... if it is Cater, isn't he doing the same to Idia? Which... Idia also has no clue how to process, he... doesn't really feel anything about that, just... confused. Maybe once he gets an answer for sure.

...though if he wanted to be really mean Idia would just pull both of their IP addresses and find out in an instant... he's resisting in doing that. Doesn't want to invade Cinder's privacy if he's not Cater. Clearly the voice program is less invasive in Idia's eyes.

Cater gulps.

I know how that feels.

Knows how it feels right now, but keeps the time qualifier to himself. He furrows his brow, chews his lip. It makes him nervous, talking on a personal level like this. It's one thing to talk about things he enjoys but...feelings? If they were just Cinder and Gloomurai, it would be a little easier. But the more he starts to view Gloomurai as Idia Shroud, the harder it is to be honest.

Why do you think that?

I tried to hang around them twice today, they ran away both times. They don't with others, so must be me.

...this was mean. It was very mean. But only if it is Cater. And maybe... that's a little enjoyable to Idia. If it is Cater and he's freaking out over something, then yeah, rubbing it in a bit to make him feel bad. Some payback. But still...

Guess was a mistake for trying

Still, if it's not, it'll be nice to get another POV. If Idia asked Ortho he would just encourage him to try again. To try and make friends. And there is no way Idia would mention this to Azul, he would get so mocked about it.

The guilt comes back in another wave and Cater immediately types an apology, taking a breath to expand on it so it isn't an immediate concession that it was his fault.

I'm sorry that happened to you.

There's more he has to say, wants to say, but it's hard to know how to respond appropriately. How does he express himself without being obvious? What's the right thing or the wrong thing to say? Ugh, why is it so hard to talk to Idia when he's so good at talking to everyone else. Most people are so easy to read...but Idia's never been most people.

idk why anyone would run away just b/c of you
Maybe they're going through something rn too
If they're having a hard time, it might just have been overwhelming if they aren't used to hanging out with you

Is that too much? Too insightful? Uncertain, he adds:

how well do you know them?

That...

That was super mature and so cool. Like, seriously cool, more than Idia was expecting, it leaving him blinking his eyes at the response and... a sigh of a laugh.

You're super mature.
Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.

Not to say Idia still doesn't think it's partly him. After all, that's his default, assume the worse and the worse is normally related to him. In his view at all. Sinking his chin back down into his pillow, Idia's huff was more tired this time, he fiddling with his feet behind him. What is he going to do with this all? If Cater was going through shit then he should let him deal. If Cinder was Cater does that mean he was telling Idia to give him room?

This would be so much easier if Idia just knew! And he could, slowly, with time...

Fuck that. Seriously, fuck that. He has to know. The problem solver in him has to know. He has the tools, he could do it within a minute or two. Hell, he knows NRC's IP, he could even track it to a dorm, it wouldn't confirm it is Cater but it would narrow it down to a dorm. Like he had done to the little shits in Ignihyde who took down Premo's site to have a go at him after he became dorm leader. And Idia had dealt with that.

When it came to the net, you don't mess with Idia Shroud.

But with Cinder... well... he'll make it up to him if he's not Cater. A big donation. Maybe even help him get some gear. It would be the least he could do as an apology.

With a plan in mind Idia pushes himself from his bed, a flick of his finger taking the conversation from his bed device over to his computer as he drops down into his chair, screens coming up and tapping away.

Then...

Hey. If you could do a thing but is bit of an asshole move but it would solve a question for you, would you do it?

That person. I think I know something. I don't know for sure, but your question?

If I'm right, then yeah, I don't know them well at all. But if I'm right, I want to.

lol you think so? thanks--I've never really given advice to anyone before.

Not seriously, anyway. Most people didn't trust him to give a serious answer and he liked it that way. When they did ask, he could only give them advice that would make sense for him as the character he plays. But Cinder, the character, isn't a character at all in actuality...so it's easier. And then, of course, he's more appraised of the situation than he can let on.

The next bit is what makes Cater's heart start to race. What was he going to do? Idia Shroud is a genius--he's the Ignihyde Housewarden, so the possibilities were honestly endless. His hands feel clammy and shaken, his throat dry.

I think it depends on if it'll hurt someone or not.

Cinder is typing for awhile, because Cater has no idea what he's saying, how to say it. Should he just...tell Idia not to bother? Should he tell him he's making a mistake? Overthinking, overthinking, overthinking until all he can hear in his head is static. So Cater's heart takes over.

If you want to get to know them better, I think it's okay.
I think if you're willing to give them another chance, you should do it.

A wave of his hand and a few taps and Idia also starts up that voice program. He had already complied Cinder's voice, tested it in contrast to his streams, and it was as close as he was going to get. Not as perfect as his own one, but pretty good. Right now Idia started the program on taking Cater's apart, trying to fill in the parts that were missing and accepting those that could not be simulated together. Just in case, just in case.

Ok, lets do this. It doesn't take long, under a minute to get Cater's IP. It was simple, and if this turns out to be true then Idia will suggest some security tips for him. He needs them, especially for someone who was online so much. Tapping away at Cinder's to compare and... Idia hesitates over the final input, looking to the replies over that IM and smiling slightly, "Sorry Cinder, I gotta know. I'll buy you something nice, either way."

And letting it run, and...

Cater won't get a reply for awhile. A good while. Or no doubt it would feel like it is much longer to him. And when it eventually comes, it's not from the IM.

But from Cater's texts. An 'unknown number' showing up.

Use a VPN next time you stream. A blue triangle and a skull emoji after it. How he got Cater's number... well... that's another question.

Cater's nerves are fried. He tries to cope with it by hiding but he can't. He throws his blankets off and starts pacing around the room, anxiety having a stranglehold on him. Idia's silent and it feels so ominous, like there's a knife poised and waiting to rip him out of his skin. He wants to rapid fire IM Idia asking him what the fuck he's doing so badly that it feels like his fingers are cramping from the force of keeping them still.

And then his text notification goes off. Cater almost doesn't look at it, being that it could've been anyone...but automatically reaches for it anyway. What he sees does nothing to assuage the assault of anxiety, but somehow...

...Somehow, it's kind of a relief.

The only way he could feel more exposed is if Idia was right there in front of him. Tomorrow he'll see him in class and he'll have to figure out what he's going to do. Right now, he's glad that he has the privacy to go throw up without having a witness.

Once that's taken care of, he finally adds Idia to his contact list.

You didn't make a mistake, I was just scared.

He figures he might as well just be honest, now. No point left in being otherwise.

Ah... Idia will give him a real phone number later, when he asks him about it, not a burner number. Until then,

No shit. Someone listening to your music and it's some weirdo otaku? I would be too.

If someone found his online stuff... Idia would never live it down.

Still,

You good?

Concern now towards Cinder, no Cater, or both really. Thing is... this should be terrifying, to actually have irl contact with a OL person, the idea of it has certainly freaked Idia out in the past. But maybe because... he already knew Cater before this? He's really not sure, in a way it's not registered yet to him. He feels very... calm considering it all.

But that may be because he's having a bit of fun teasing Cater over this. Come on Cater, he knows those outside of Ignihyde don't have a clue what he can do, and even those within have no clue what he can really do...

This is so beyond absurd. Of course that wasn't how he felt, why he was so petrified of all of this happening, but how can he possibly explain himself? Would Idia even care, at this point? The urge to just say he's fine is hard to resist...but Cater gives hollow laugh to himself as he tucks his knees to his chest from his spot on the bathroom floor.

No, not really, but I'll get there.

Eventually, he hopes. Kind of depends on how this conversation goes down, if he's being honest.

I was afraid you'd get the wrong idea. I don't see you that way. I don't think you're weird and I don't care what your interests are. I have fun playing games with you and I like chatting with you and I chase you down when I see you in class because I want to hang out with you. I ran away because I didn't want all of it to end so soon. I was sure that if you figured out who I was you'd think I'd been manipulating you and you'd resent me.

There. He just said it all at once. Took a bit of typing but it felt like if he didn't just word dump most of his thoughts in a single message he wouldn't be able to get it all out.

Hnnggg, this was... a lot. Like, spill your guts a lot, Idia leaning back in his chair as he reads this, a hand up behind his head and just... knowing it's Cater, registering in his head it's Cater, versus the Cater that is around school.

...this guy is so fucked up. Then again, so is Idia, a soft sigh out of him. He never would had guessed with Cater, but... Idia also never cared. With Cinder, well, even then he was just a vtuber who was fun to chat with, but smooshing them together and... it... really was feeling like a full person Idia had been talking to. And one clearly with a major mask to hide behind. One Idia would had assumed was Cinder but seeing this... he's starting to wonder if it's really Cater who is the mask.

Which he gets. He so gets. It's not like Idia's nerves are an act, he really does struggle with being around anyone, had no clue how to interact with those his own age, had no interest in getting to know them. But it also worked well to keep people away. To be the weird outsider that didn't want to interact with others, don't bother inviting him, there's no point, he just rants on about stuff no one gets, don't listen to him. It helped make the disconnect, so even if it's not fake for Idia, he certainly allows it out a lot more than he would back home or by himself.

Another scratch at his head before he starts typing,

I am weird. That's fine.
I'm also not angry or upset. And if you were trying to manipulate me you were doing a crap job at it and risking your channel by doing so, so either you weren't or you were doing it a really stupid way.

And not just cause of Idia's ability to hack, but because it was stupid to ruin such a channel for some pettiness.

So chill before you have an aneurysm or something.
I donno what I'm feeling, but it's not upset, k?

Sorry. Gonna take a minute.

He just needs to calm himself down. Ungluing himself from his phone, Cater splashes cold water on his face, focuses on breathing. The whole thing is uncomfortable but Idia's not cursing him or threatening to blackmail him or anything. He said he isn't angry. Slow down.

When Cater comes back, he's back in bed again, feeling somewhat less unstable. Probably about as put together as he's gonna be, which is never the best when he's not putting on a character.

Okay, done spiraling, I think. Still there?

Idia sits there waiting, maybe fidgeting with one of his fidget toys or spinning a pen. Waiting. Waiting. He did tell him to calm down, so yeah...

But what if Cinder, Cater, is like 'nope, outta here' and just... stops this all? All because Idia had enough and wanted an answer. And that... that... let a weight settle on Idia's chest he wasn't expecting, frowning at the feeling and having no clue how to even start figuring out why he felt that. He keeps telling himself it doesn't matter. This is what he wanted, what he expects; no connections. But... he had been having fun with Cinder. And Cater was a pain normally, but when he chilled out... he was fine. With the board game they played between the two clubs, joking over stuff at the vending machine, chilling in the library. It... wasn't that bad. When he's not all 'Cay-Cay!' he's... tolerable.

He actually jolts forward in his chair a bit when an answer finally comes through, fingers ready to type then... not quite sure what to answer with. Hmmm... well, the big question is;

Yea. So... what now?

That really is the question. Cater sighs in relief as he flops back onto his pillow, considering. They're both still here, both trying to figure things out. Nothing's broken, nothing's dangerous.

I don't really know.

Things are probably going to be weird for a bit no matter what they do, but...well, there's really only one thing he can ask right now, right?

Do you want to hang out again?

Yeah, yeah, it's going to be, isn't it? Idia already dreading meeting up with Cater IRL after this. So... maybe instead,

Can we start OL first? IRL might be too cringe right away.

Oh, also,

Don't stress if I'm not in class again. I was only doing that to try and work out wtf was going on.

That's fine. I had a feeling tbh. It was so weird that you were in class two days in a row lol

Communicating directly in the first place might have mitigated a lot of stress on both their parts but they wouldn't be who they are if they were good at confronting their problems head-on.

I'll still keep up my streaming schedule but maybe we can game together?

www yeah don't want Trein to get the idea I'll actually show up normally

Idia letting out a 'pfft' irl at that. Yeah... ok, he wasn't subtle in that sense, but what else was he supposed to do? Whatever. Hm, guess he'll have to come clean about that all at some point... later though.

Nice! Tho I'm srs about the VPN. I'll get you set up with a good one. Just in case. Tracking it was easy enough for others in Ignihyde to do too if they get sus.

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